


It just happened

by iwantthemtostay



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-26
Updated: 2018-06-26
Packaged: 2019-05-29 02:34:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,136
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15063119
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iwantthemtostay/pseuds/iwantthemtostay
Summary: it just happenedor, one night at All That Skate 2011, and its aftermath.*Originally posted on livejournal Spring 2014*





	It just happened

**Author's Note:**

> I think I wrote this after watching *that* interview with Tessa and the staring, I may be posting it after rewatching *that* interview.
> 
> This is one of the earliest things I wrote, and of the earliest ones it's the piece I like most from an execution standpoint, though I think if I were to write it now it would be quite different.

It just happened.

Tessa had never believed the people who used that expression, you didn't just kiss someone or fall into bed with them, surely you had to make a conscious decision and then follow through on it. But it was the only explanation she could come up with when she found herself sleeping with her skating partner.

In hindsight, she should perhaps have seen it coming. Their Olympic and Worlds wins had bonded them even closer together as they took their place as a unit in history. Their relationship had deepened further as Scott supported her through the recovery from her second surgery and her return to training. It was almost like they were skating together for the first time, everything was new and fresh. No one really knew if the treatment was going to work this time so every skate seemed to become a possible last stand and a blessing to be grateful for. All the talk was about seizing the moment and living in the now so maybe that was why he kissed her outside her hotel room in Korea and maybe that was why she took him inside.

It just seemed to happen. One minute he was looking at her like he did and the next his mouth was glued to hers and their limbs were entangled and she was pushing open the door and they were on her bed. It was the familiarity of it all that struck her. They both knew intuitively what to do and she supposed that it made sense seeing as how highly attuned their bodies already were to each other. She had never felt more herself than she did in those moments, he looked at her like he knew everything about her and exactly who she was and she thought that maybe he did. It was an easier form of communication, they were just Tessa and Scott, not anything to anyone, and it didn't matter anymore where she ended and he began because maybe they were just one after all. It felt like a natural extension to their relationship except that she knew that what they were doing was wrong.

They didn't talk about what they were doing. It was as if by not acknowledging it they didn't have to deal with the fallout. He was still with his girlfriend though she knew that something was going wrong there. She heard him describe it to Patrick as being 'on the outs' and she couldn't understand what that was meant to mean. She tried to tell herself that it was all okay because they had this 'connection' and something that felt this good could never really be wrong, but it didn't stop the guilt that made her ill or the way she hated herself for what she was doing. She tried to just stop but she would find it hard to breathe and then she would just end up at his apartment like a junkie looking for a fix or he'd arrive at hers and just look at her and she'd let him in. They would kiss and the pain would go away, but one kiss was never enough.

They weren't together, and she didn't think anyone knew, but the glances and the questions seemed more pointed than before. She was kind of seeing a skier because he was nice and uncomplicated. He didn't look at her like his life was dependent on hers and that was both terrible and wonderful. She worried that she was playing some game, showing Scott that she could have someone else too. She thought it was more likely that she was asking herself the question of whether someone other than him could be interested in her and whether she could be interested in them. The answer was both yes and no, he seemed to really like her and she liked him too, but it just didn't seem to be enough. Nothing was ever enough. She wondered whether she had just been ruined and maybe normal relationships were actually like this and whatever she had with Scott was just some other entity entirely, both higher and lower than anything else.

It ended as suddenly as it had begun. It just all became too much and she couldn't cope. She spent her time away from him thinking about him and her time with him thinking about what a terrible person she was. She cried at the oddest times and she didn't know whether it was because he wasn't there or whether it was because she wasn't there. She had never been the type of person who did something like this. She told him that it had to be over and she went home and got sick and she didn't know whether she felt pain or relief or a mixture of the two. She was undoubtedly broken but she thought she could see a way to begin to put the pieces back together again.

It was ironic but they were both single fairly soon afterwards but neither of them made any move to start up again. Their skating was still the same and he still looked at her like before. She felt freer now, like she was in control and no longer just existing between one night spent with him and the next but actually living. And then Marina decided that Tessa was now a real woman and was ready to portray Carmen, the ultimate seductress. She wondered if this was her coach's way of telling her that she knew what they had been up to. Choreographing the routine was actual torture but she thought that she probably deserved some cruel and unusual punishment.

Carmen made her realise that they had been putting their feelings for each other into dance rather than acting on them for longer than she cared to think about. She wanted him and she almost hated him and it was all there for everyone to see. She had always found Freud ridiculous but maybe there was something in his ideas about sublimating desire into art. It was strange, but Carmen also brought them to some kind of forgiveness for what had happened. She was crying in the locker room and he came in and held her and they actually talked and it brought her to a place where she could see that maybe she was a good person who made mistakes rather than a bad one who had conspired to turn something pure into something more like its opposite.

She was surprised at how upset she was when he told her that he was seeing someone from home. She knew she was never going to be remotely over him but she hadn't expected the news that he was dating someone else to hurt her so badly. It became clear to her that she had been living under some illusion that they were waiting for sometime in the future when they were ready. He didn't seem to be waiting. She wasn't waiting either, she was okay with being alone now that she finally liked herself.

The road to Sochi was both brutal and beautiful. They were as close as they ever had been and she could now love him (she couldn't bring herself to decide in exactly which way) without the guilt. She was stronger than ever before and it was she who took Marina to task when she felt they were being left to flounder. Coming off the ice after their free dance she felt a purer form of happiness than she had in the longest time and she knew she'd be okay with whatever came their way.

There were so many questions being asked and she didn't have all the answers but, for once, that didn't really scare her. She didn't know whether they'd keep competing but she somehow felt secure in the knowledge that they'd never stop dancing together. She replied to the questions about their relationship truthfully, it was complicated and it was unique and no one really understood it, perhaps not even them. She shuddered when he described his current relationship as being 'on the outs' in a radio interview and still couldn't for the life of her figure out what he meant by that. He told her that it was over before they left for Japan and if she'd been more naive she would have assigned some meaning to the way he looked at her when he said it.

It didn't just happen this time, she felt it building. She was caught between trying to make it stop because she couldn't go through that again and letting it happen because maybe it would be different this time and she couldn't go on much longer without him.

They went out for dinner, just the two of them, after the show and it wasn't until he paid the bill that she began to think that maybe this was a date. He took her hand when they crossed the road, she knew he was always afraid that something might happen to her, and she didn't let go. He walked her to her hotel room even though he had to pass his on the way. She turned to say goodnight and he was just staring at her and she could see in his eyes the questions she was asking herself. He pushed a strand of her hair back behind her ear and cupped his palm over her cheek. His eyes were asking whether this was okay and she just smiled because what else was she going to say?

This, _this_ , was a first kiss. It was soft and sweet and gentle and perfect. It was both a question and a promise. The kiss deepened and she leaned back against her hotel door and their bodies melded together as if they were never meant to be that far apart. Her heart was racing and she was clinging on to him for dear life and she knew that she had to stop before she hurt herself or, worse, him.

"We, we can't... this can't be like last time," she pushed the words out. She was only still standing because her back was to the door and his arms were holding her up.

"Tessa," he said her name like it was some sort of prayer, his eyes were closed and his forehead was resting against hers. "If we're going to do this then it can't just end. I'm not strong enough to go through that again. If you're not ready then I'll wait, really wait. This is it for me." His voice was as desperate as she felt.

She sobbed because he was hurting and she was hurting but maybe this time they could make things better. "I feel the same," she whispered and she left the lightest of kisses on his lips.

"Thank God," he breathed and she hugged him closer to her.

"We're going to do it right this time," he said fiercely. "One step at a time. No jumping straight into anything. We're going to take it slowly. We're going to actually date. I will pick you up and we'll go out. We'll make out in the back row of the cinema and you'll drag me shopping with you and I'll force you to watch the Leafs play and eventually we might start sleeping with each other again."

She laughed because he was adorable and ridiculous and she loved him more than anything. "I'd like that".

"Oh, and everyone is going to know about us. I'm going to introduce you to my family and my friends," she giggled because _really_ , "and generally just shout it from rooftops, the entire world will know, the Shibs can even make a video."

"I love you, Scott," she vowed and her tone was full of a thousand things she had never said.

"I love you too. You are... everything," he said simply and he looked at her like she was indeed his entire world.

She ran her fingers through his hair and kissed him and while it still had the same addictive quality of the ones the time before the pain was gone. There was a certainty there, that this wasn't going to end and that they could be happy.

"Goodnight, Tessa," he kissed her cheek and smiled at her like he was the happiest person in the world and she knew that her face mirrored his.

He walked backwards towards his hotel room like he couldn't bear to stop looking at her and she rested her head against her door and just gazed at him. She felt at peace, like the war raging inside of her had ended. When he got to his room he blew her a kiss and she caught it and held it to her heart.

This was it.


End file.
